Attitude

A few months ago, I remember waking up every morning with a fear that every wall around me was crumbling down. I would assume a fetal position in my bed, cry, and beg for a miracle to take place. I would beg for something good to happen that could carry me away from what I perceived to be the end of the road. Suicide thoughts quickly entered my mind but were dispelled by an unknown force (i.e., my will to live). At the end of each day, I could only find refuge in my sleep. It was as if dreaming was the getaway from reality when in fact with each dream my soul would go out and search for answers to my challenges. My soul would depart my body for those few precious hours and search in my mental archives the solution(s) to what I was facing. New ideas would appear in the morning and with each new idea and level of energy, faith, and purpose would start to develop.

I began attending a large Christian church on a regular basis. Some would say that when everything fails, God is the only answer. Although I grew up Catholic, I've always found the Catholic religion to be hypocritical with regards to many factors; some of which I will detail in future blogs. In this new Christian church setting, I discovered new ideas about my life and the relationship with God without the constraints of the Catholic religion. However, I also confronted people who were fanatics and left no room for others with different ideas. It was as if their religion was the only answer and other had to comply with their ideology. What ever happened to charity and understanding? I also witnessed that many times during the sermon the message would take a backseat to tithing. The church had grown so fast that they needed a lot of money just to stay afloat and every item became a prize to be sold to the highest bidder.

This journey took me to another Christian church, but my visits ended when I met people who in my view thought they were holier than Jesus Christ because they had "seen the light or taken Jesus Christ as their lord and savior," and yet they judged others with total distrust. This is the reason I wrote one of the poems in this blog called Dichotomy to express how they claimed to do one thing but the reality was the total opposite.

God knows the path we must choose and sometimes He lead us into the wilderness so we learn how to find our way out of there.

With each passing morning, the fear began to dissipate. I no longer viewed a new day as a threat but as an opportunity to grow. I encountered each challenge as a stepping stone, a lesson to put in my backpack. I learned to recognize when I was being tested by forces that have being with me since the beginning and to trust them when I couldn't go any further. I also witnessed how people came in and out of my life. Some arrived to give me a word of encouragement, a helping hand, while others disappeared when things became too personal for them, when my actions and relationship threatened their well-being.

I stand today poised for a new beginning. My attitude is stronger than ever before because I know in my heart that I am not alone in this journey.

Change your attitude about how you view the things that are happening to you today and your tomorrow will be brighter.

You are unique. Find your purpose. Grow from within. Learn to let go.